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A step-by-step explanation of US history

(hint: rich people are assholes)

Step 1 (16th Century)

Rich Europeans land in America determined to get richer. The plan is simple and has been used by invading nations all over the world: steal the land from the locals, then force them to till it while you reap the benefits.

Snag: While the accidental biological warfare was efficiently clearing out the place, that left few people to exploit. What’s more, Native North Americans weren’t falling for the scam.

Sidebar: There is no evidence that I have Native American blood, but I tend to agree with their vision of things. If Target thinks I’m gonna give them my life force for 8$/hour so a billionaire can get rich, well they can go fuck right off.

Solutions: There were 3.

#1 The rich settlers in warm climes decided it would be a good idea to go kidnap people on another continent and bring them over as property.

#2 Up north they found it cheaper to indenture poor Europeans coming off the boats.

#3 Here and there, well-meaning puritans tried stealing Native American babies from their communal living tribes to teach them the capitalist ‘work ethic’.


Step 2 (Early 18th Century)

A couple of generations later, things are coming to a head. The Rich Settlers realize they are now grossly outnumbered. They could share but frankly, they don’t wanna.

Solution: Instead they legislate in favor of poor white people (effectively creating the ‘white’ identity) pitting them against all others (at this point mostly African and Native Americans, and whether rich or poor, free or not).

Sidebar: These ‘Divide and Subdue’ and ‘Give one group a meaningless trinket so they help us oppress the rest’ tactics proved so successful they would be used over and over in US history. Still today, visible minorities and immigrants are demonized, while the Powers That Be get richer by exploiting everyone.


Step 3 (Post Seven Year War)

The Rich and well-ensconced Settlers start to look askance at their Corporate Overlord (i.e. the king of England). They can now build anything they need on site, or build boats to go get it – imagine how much more profit they would reap if they didn’t have to pay taxes on what they are forced to buy from England.

Worse yet, said King has the presumption to protect the Native Americans from white people’s depredations.

And look at that, there’s now plenty of patriotic cannon fodder to fight the War of Independence without the Rich having to risk their own precious lives.

As for the less patriotic ones who think having 1 corporate overlord that’s an ocean away is preferable to a dozen of them close by, they can move up to Canada.

Snag: the surviving cannon fodder is now asking for a say in the running of the new country.

Solution: make it a republic.


Step 4 (Early 19th Century)

Economic Crisis – the poor get rowdy again.

Solution #1: send the whiners west, giving them land that belong to Native Americans (getting rid of two problems with one stone).

Solution #2: In a PR gold move, make bringing in new slaves illegal – thus doubling the worth of Slaveowner’s ‘assets’ overnight.


Step 5 (Second half of the 19th Century)

Abolition enters the zeitgeist. Rich Southern Landowners are of course against it since they’ve profited the system and slaves are now a big part of their ‘capital’. However, up north, a Rich Industrialist says to another: but if the slaves were freed maybe they’d come work for us for less than what we pay our white employees and we could make bigger profits.

Abolition, then BOOM, Civil War.

And if poor white people aren’t happy about their wages they can just move further west.


Step 6 (20th Century)

All is right with the world, the money is all where it should be, in the hands of very few people who control most everything.

Snag: In a far off land they have a revolution and set up a Communist regime

Communism? What’s that?

It’s where the wealth is shared with everyone.

What, like the Native American tribes?

Pretty much.

Oh, we can’t have that.

Snag #2: Economic Crisis

Solution: share a tiny bit of the wealth so that a white middle class will become prosperous enough to stabilize the system and protect it from the very poor. *Bonus: as they make more money, they will consume more, so the money will return to our pockets in due time.

Snag #3: Russia wins the Second World War, thus proving the strength of Communism

Solution: Make Americans believe they won the war, and make extra damn sure Communism fails everywhere it’s implanted by any means necessary.

Hence the Cold War, Korea, Vietnam, Chile, etc…


Step 7 (the advent of a new millennium)

Russia gives up communism, proving an ideology that has all the rich and mighty of the world against it isn’t sustainable.

Now that people have seen communism doesn’t work we can stop sharing the wealth.

Snag: Employees demand living wages

Solution: move companies abroad ✅

Snag: Taxes on the rich are high

Solution: move money to tax havens and pay legislators to vote tax cuts ✅

Snag: What if poor people get rowdy, as they often do when they are starving?

Solution: Make their life so precarious they do not have time to protest. And just in case, militarize the police and criminalize poverty. ✅

Snag: the planet is on fire

Solution: build spaceships ✅



Rich Americans land on planet X determined to get richer (and incidentally find air and water). The plan is simple and has been used by invading nations all over the world: steal the land from the locals, then force them to serve you while you reap the benefits…

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